The notion that a child’s challenging behaviour should be met with immediate consequences, or that giving attention to such behaviour is ‘rewarding it’ is a common one. However, in the context of foster care, where children often have complex histories of trauma and attachment difficulties, this perspective can be not only unhelpful but also damaging. This article aims to challenge the traditional view of ‘rewarding bad behaviour,’ arguing instead for a therapeutic approach that prioritises connection, understanding, and empathy.

Understanding the Roots of Challenging Behaviour

Children who enter foster care often have experienced adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), such as neglect, abuse, and inconsistent caregiving. These experiences can lead to a range of emotional and behavioural challenges. The brain of a child who has experienced trauma may be over-activated in the brainstem, the centre for fight, flight or freeze responses. This means that they may respond to situations with intense emotional reactions that may seem disproportionate or ‘bad’ to those unfamiliar with trauma. As a result, children may develop survival strategies such as mistrust of adults, resistance to closeness, and difficulty regulating emotions.

Traditional behaviour management techniques like rewards and punishments, are unlikely to be effective with children who have experienced developmental trauma. These approaches often fail to address the underlying causes of the behaviours and may even exacerbate feelings of insecurity and shame. A child who has developed a belief that they are ‘bad’ may interpret punishment as further proof of this belief, making it more likely they will continue or escalate challenging behaviours.

Why a Therapeutic Approach is Essential

Our therapeutic approach, based on the principles of connection and PACE (Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy), offers a different framework for understanding and responding to challenging behaviours. This approach recognises that behaviours are often a way of communicating unmet needs or overwhelming emotions.

Instead of focusing solely on stopping the behaviour, a therapeutic approach seeks to understand the emotions and beliefs driving it. This requires a shift from asking “Why did you do that?” which can feel like an interrogation, to wondering “I’m wondering what it feels like for you when…”. It means responding with empathy and acceptance, communicating to the child that their feelings are valid, even when their behaviour is not.

The Importance of Connection

A key element of this approach is prioritising connection. When a child feels safe, seen, and understood, they are more likely to feel less threatened and more open to learning and changing their behaviour. This is not about condoning the behaviour, but rather about understanding that connection is a prerequisite for positive change.

Instead of focusing on rewards, therapeutic parenting emphasises the importance of creating secure attachment relationships. This can involve:

• Attunement: Paying close attention to the child’s emotional state and responding sensitively.
• Containment: Providing a safe space for the child to feel and reflect on their feelings.
• Nurture: Providing care, comfort, and appropriate physical touch.

Challenging the Idea of ‘Rewarding Bad Behaviour’

The idea of not rewarding a child for “bad” behaviour is deeply ingrained. However, with traumatised children, this approach may be doing more harm than good.

• Focus on the Underlying Need: Instead of focusing on the behaviour, focus on the emotion, belief, and/or past experiences. A child may be acting out because they feel insecure, abandoned, or powerless. When a caregiver tries to understand the underlying cause, it may become obvious that the child needs something very different than punishment or being ignored.
• Empathy, Not Indulgence: Empathy is about understanding the child’s perspective, not excusing their behaviour. It means acknowledging the child’s emotional reality, even if their behaviour is unacceptable.
• Acceptance, Not Approval: Accepting a child’s feelings is not the same as approving of their behaviour. Boundaries are still important, but the emphasis shifts to addressing the emotions first and the behaviour second.
• Curiosity, Not Interrogation: Instead of asking “Why?” – which can feel like an interrogation – use curiosity to understand what’s going on for the child. Make guesses about their inner world, for example, “I’m guessing you feel…”

Conclusion

The concept of “rewarding bad behaviour” fails to recognise that challenging behaviour is often a manifestation of a child’s pain, not a deliberate attempt to manipulate or disrupt. A therapeutic approach to parenting prioritises understanding, connection, and empathy, and helps children feel safe and secure so they can heal and thrive. By shifting the focus from behaviour to the underlying needs and emotions, foster carers can create the conditions for lasting positive change in children’s lives.