The Dreaded Power Struggle… Why We Should NEVER Try To Win!


Whether you are in, or just trying to resist the adult-child dynamic that feels like a power-battle, it can help to:
1) Recognise that these behaviours stem from the child’s basic need to feel safer and more secure in that moment – affirming to themselves that they can exercise influence and control.
2) Remember that these children are not your opponent… What does it look like to mentally ‘put your end of the rope down‘?
It doesn’t have to mean them ‘getting it their way’, nor you admitting defeat; in fact it shouldn’t.
Instead, the question to ask ourselves in these moments is “How do I partner with this person, so we work with, rather than against each other?”
Yes, that may mean compromise, but that’s usually still favourable to going into some kind of warfare with our kids, even if it isn’t the confrontational type.
But the solution isn’t just about meeting somewhere in the middle. Sometimes all it takes to change the game entirely is a few simple adjustments to the way we communicate.
Because, when a child – any human, in fact – feels heard and that their needs are still recognised and validated – even if they can’t get what they want – it’s much more difficult (and far less necessary) for them to embroil you in a power-battle.
So instead of:
I know you’re unhappy, but I can’t do anything about the situation.
Try:
I can’t do anything to change the situation, but I do understand why you’re unhappy.
Instead of:
I’m not being unfair; you know that’s the rules
Try:
That’s the rule (or condition), but I accept that it doesn’t feel fair.
Instead of:
You can say whatever you want, but it’s not going to change anything
Try:
I’m sorry things aren’t going to change today, but I’ve heard what you’ve got to say.
Instead of:
I know you’re angry, but that’s the consequences
Try:
That is the consequence, AND (not ‘but’) I know that makes you angry.
As is often the case, these – and other versions of them – are easier on paper than in practice.
For a start, you might have to work at not sounding sarcastic.
And it helps to pay attention to our own discomfort when using these kinds of phrases; for example, the impulse to add ‘Yes, but’ (or versions of).
‘Yes, but’ may feel like the start of a valid explanation, but there’s always a ‘No’ hidden in ‘Yes, but‘, which can exacerbate, rather than ease the struggle.
Or, if you find yourself wanting to fill the silence that usually follows these types of exchanges, resist if you can.
Silence should never be used as a ‘power-weapon’, but sometimes it’s a necessary – albeit awkward – part of avoiding being drawn back in.
It can feel like relinquishing authority or admitting defeat, but when we can keep our ego in check, our real power is in sharing power.